The Language of My Culture

So lately, I've been listening to rap, which may not seem like a big thing to many of you, but for me, it's pretty big.

Let me explain. I like rap when I'm running on the treadmill, lifting weights, or at a party, but I don't typically choose to listen to it when I'm feeling introspective. I will usually pull out Ingrid Michaelson or Coldplay.

I recently hung out with my cousin, who is black, on a trip to see his mom in Santa Cruz. He listens to rap and was playing the Drake album in the car. I have always been interested in Drake, mainly because I love Degrassi, but I know he is signed to Young Money and I'm not a huge fan of Lil Wayne. At least not when I'm outside of the gym.

Let me just say before I get into talking too much more about rap how nice it was to hang out with my cousin. I do not focus on seeing myself as a black or white female very often, which can sometimes make me forget how comforting it is to be around people who look the same as you do. The feeling of understanding that came from that trip with him was so refreshing. I felt like I could relax, which again, isn't to say I walk around feeling tense around white people, I just feel different around black people.

I'm reminded that I'm a black woman and how special and lucky I am because of it. I am constantly surrounded by white people- in school, at my job, in my personal life, which doesn't bother me in the least, I just find myself yearning for interactions with other black people. My language changes when I'm around my cousins, it's hard to explain. I just feel another part of my world opening up in a way that it can't with my white friends.

I can let my hair down and shake out my curls without worrying someone will want to touch them (ha ha).

While I think it's important to surround yourself with people who are different than you, whether physically, socially, sexually, spiritually, and any other way to expand your mind, I think it's equally as important to be around people are similar to you. 

I was never conscious of it before, but I was afraid of being black, or at least acting too "black." I went to a predominately white high school where the black people hung out together in a pack. They were intimidating because they were so confident in who they were and the community. I felt like I was too "white-washed" to belong.

I've carried some of that insecurity over to my current life, but there is this unspeakable urge to surround myself with more people in the black community and I can honestly say it started when I let my hair go natural.

The first step was letting my curls come out and now that they have, I feel like I want to learn more about my roots and community.

Which brings me to rap. I am not going to listen to ignorant rap music like "just bought a Cadillac, throw some D's on that bitch" or anything of that sort. I'm a college educated woman and want to hear things that reflect intelligence and effort.

Drake. I watched his documentary two years ago "Better than Good Enough" on MTV and became really excited for his album "Thank Me Later." While I liked it, it failed to impress me the way I thought it would. So, I put him out of my mind.

Then he released "Take Care." I know I'm a little late in listening to it, as he released it last year, but better late than never, right?

That album takes me back to my childhood and reminds me that I am black. It is nice to have those reminders every now and again. I can't explain it with words, it's just a feeling I get, the same when I hear Al Green's "Love and Happiness." Instantly, memories flood my mind and I can smell the pink oil and feel my mother tugging on my curls to get the nap out.

Drake has this song,  "Look What You've Done" that especially hits home. I think about my father, who has been in and out of my life since birth. One line "boo-hoo, sad story, Black American dad story" gets me every time. While being a poor father is not a "black" thing, there are definitely members of the black community who share in this struggle of connecting with their black fathers.

I'm lucky that I was able to find my connection with my step-dad, or just my dad as I like to call him.

While Drake's album is amazing, it still poses issues for me. First of all, the use of the "n" word. I've always been so weird about hearing people in the community use it, and while I may understand the reasoning behind it, I just think the word is thrown around too much and people have forgotten what it used to mean to our ancestors.

Maybe that's the point, to remove ourselves from it until we become so desensitized that it is just a word. Still, there is more exploration that needs to be done on my part in regards to this word and my feelings towards it because I do not feel that the word and its usage on my part would make me feel anymore a part of the community.

This journey is enlightening; I'm thankful everyday I had the courage to start it. 




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Second Day Hair

I haven't posted anything about my hair regimen lately, or shown any photos of my curls. I was extremely lazy over winter break because I knew I had a stressful semester waiting for me in the spring.  I have been trying some new products, however, and the results are fantastic. As I mentioned in my last post, I have been revisiting some of the products I bought last year, such as the Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie and the Cat Walk Curls Rock.

The results have been fabulous, to say in the least. Don't mind my face, I just woke up, but look at that volume!

Here it is after I styled it, please, don't mind my furr-ocious eyebrows, I am attempting to grow them out. I figure if I can live through my hair doing that straight/curly thing it did when I first started my hair journey, I can deal with looking like Oscar the Grouch.

I forgot to mention-I style my second day hair now. Before I would just roll out of bed and pat down my hair. Can you imagine?! I used to just walk around with me hair looking like that? Well, thanks to Sarah, my hair guru, I learned I can style my second day curls (it's actually encouraged.)

First, I take down the pineapple and place my hands on either side of my head to shake my curls out and distribute them evenly around my head. Then, I take my Carols Daughter Black Vanilla Leave-In Moisturizer and spray it all over my hair. Once that is done, I grab my hair and pull it back in my hands in a low ponytail to tame the Medusa look.

I take my spray bottle and spray all over my head, being careful not to make my hair too wet. Then I grab my Curl Definer, put a quarter size amount in my hand and run it through my hair, scrunching my curls back to life.

The last step is easy, I take a spray bottle and spray the front of my hair, right where my part is. I take a brush and comb the left side down a little, then scrunch the curls. For the right side, I take a bobby pin and pin the hair down.

I leave the pins in while I apply my makeup and eat breakfast, then take it out and do a final scrunch. It sounds like a lot of work, but I promise it take five minutes at the most.

On a side note, I got the iPhone 4S for Christmas, so I will be able to take better pictures of my hair, thanks to Face Time.

Its funny because when I started this journey, I didn't even want volume, I wanted to find a way to "tame my curls." Now, I look forward to second day hair because the curls are so much more defined than they are on the first day.



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Finding My Heritage

   So I have been thinking a great deal about my roots lately. My whole life, I have only seen my parents on the surface-my mother has white skin, my father has black skin, therefore I am half black and half white. I know my biological father's family line is very rich with history, I guess I was just too caught up in my own life to research it before. With the recent idea to write a new novel about the south and its repercussions on two people who fall in love, I decided I might want to research more into my paternal family line and possibly use that history to weave into my story. I signed up for a free trial on ancestry.com and I've been furiously working to find out more about my heritage. I know that my father's last name was given to us by a slave owner in the 1800's, but who he was and who he gave the name to are a mystery to me. I also want to know why my Granny's skin is lighter than mine and she has always been regarded as African American. I know there is Native American blood running through my Granny's veins, but how much? Is it possible that I am more Native American than I am African American? Her blood mixed with my mother's Navajo Indian blood makes me wonder how the percentages have taken shape within me. My mom doesn't think it's a coincidence that people always have a hard time placing my ethnicity, and I'm starting to realize maybe I have been placing myself in the wrong categories for too long. I think in order to fully embrace my heritage, I have to find out what my roots are first.
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My Year in Review

    I wanted to make sure I wrote a post before the new year to discuss how much my life has changed over the course of twelve months. I won't go into anything personal, I just want to talk about the changes I decided to make this year that have benefited my life greatly. First, I decided to start working out. As someone who has always been naturally slender, I never thought I needed to worry about physical fitness or what I put into my body. I always fit into the clothes I wanted to wear, so I didn't choose to look to far beyond that. Then, I started to gain weight as a result of getting older and lazier. I felt badly about myself and the way I looked and knew I needed to make a change. I had attempted to work out in the past, but I always lost interest in it and went back to eating fast food and drinking 3+ sodas a day, so this time I knew I would need to get a personal trainer. I joined the gym on January 11, 2011 weighing 136 pounds with 26 percent body fat. After 11 months of sweat and sore muscles, I reached my goal: I dropped 10 pounds and 6 percent body fat. I cannot describe the wonderful changes I have noticed, not only to my appearance, but my confidence and energy level. As a student, I cannot believe I didn't exercise before because it really helps keep the mind active and present. I learned so many useful tools this year about food and exercise and the ways we must constantly change up our routines to keep the body guessing. I feel these lessons prepared me for my hair journey.

    As I have stated before, I decided to let my hair go free in May of 2011. After my hairstylist told me I really needed to start getting more hair cuts and allowing my hair to stay curly more often so it could grow, I asked myself, why not let it go curly for the summer? I needed to figure out why I didn't feel as confident with curly hair as I did with straight hair. Interestingly enough, after a month of my hair being curly, I started to gain more confidence. Now, when it's straight, I don't feel as good as I used to. Mainly because the maintenance on straight hair is more than I would like to put out because I know I'm killing my hair and the curly progress with each press of my flat iron. My exercise and eating habits helped me understand that my hair needs to try new products so it can keep the curls looking their best. I really saw this put to action when I tried using my Shea Moisture Curl Enhancing Smoothie and Bed Head's Cat Walk Curls Rock this month. When I first bought both products, I wasn't entirely happy with them. The Shea Moisture left my hair feeling really heavy and oily while the Cat Walk Curls Rock gave my hair a dried out, wiry feel. This month, I decided to take my Shea Moisture out of the cabinet and give it a go. I washed my hair with my KMS sulfate shampoo as well as conditioned with the KMS. Once I got out of the shower, I put the Shea Moisture on my hair and combed it through. I then applied my Carol's Daughter Curl Definer to my hair, using my fingers to get it through my hair. The results were fabulous. I think it has something to do with the weather-the cold dries my hair out, as well as the fact that I haven't used the Shea Moisture since summer. My hair welcomed it back.

   The front pieces needed to be fixed, but this is day two hair!! I'm pretty pleased with how well it held up overnight. The Shea Moisture has been kind to me.

   Last week, I was at my parents house for the holidays. I found the Cat Walk Curls Rock that I let my mom use, since it wasn't working for my hair, I decided not to let the $14 bottle go to waste. I was curious to see how well it would hold up in my hair, now that I was using the Shea Moisture and the Curl Definer. I was very surprised with the results. I do the exact same routine when using the Cat Walk Curls Rock that I did with the Shea Moisture. The first time I put it on, I placed a dime size amount in my hand and worked it through one side of my hair and reapplied more the the other side. I found that it was too much, so I now just style my hair with the Shea Moisture and Curl Definer, then add a dime size amount to my hand and rub it through my hair, re-scrunching it. I find this works a lot better. I'm not as crazy about the Shea Moisture-Curl Definer-Cat Walk Curls Rock combo as I am just using the Shea Moisture and Curl Definer, but using the Cat Walk Curls Rock is not a bad option to have. I'm still learning and I'm sure 2012 will bring even more revelations about myself and my hair.

   I just received a large amount of hair products for Christmas, so I will be doing a post about those when I get back home. I'm excited to try them out! I'm very thankful for this year and the confidence it has brought about. I can't wait to see how 2012 shapes up. Here is a before and current picture of my hair and it's progress:

June 2011:

Now (I took this on my phone, so the quality may not be that great) :

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Do You Wanna Touch?

Well, please refrain from doing so. Unless invited, reaching out and touching a black woman's hair because it is "so fascinating and exotic" is highly offensive and grounds for getting your fingers bitten off. In high school, I used to allow my white friends to touch my hair, always feeling a bit uncomfortable when they asked me because they were not asking one another if they could exchange strokes. I allowed it, however, because of my want to please others. I can remember a specific time when I allowed one of my old friends to comb out all of my curls and make my hair "fro" because she thought it was "so cool to look at and feel." I remember feeling upset because it was going to take hours for my hair to get back to normal now that it had been combed out. Please, do not get me wrong, I allow plenty of people to touch my hair. The key word of that sentence is allow. I have a fairly short list of people I "allow" to touch my hair: my mom, my hair stylist, and my fellow natural hair mate, Ayla. There is the occasional person I throw in there if I want something done that I know I cannot do myself, but I try to keep it to a minimum because of the comments, such as, "Wow, it doesn't feel like black girls hair. It is so...white feeling."

I decided to do a bit of research to find out why I feel this way as well as to find other fellow black women who hate having their hair touched. According to an article in CNN.com entitled 'Can I touch it?' blogger Renee Martin remarks, "I think it's the idea that they have the right to possess black women and they will take any excuse they can to jump over the border, whether it's policing our behavior or policing our hair," Martin said. "I think it's about ownership of black bodies more than it has to actually do with hair" (Lisa Respers France). While I have never gone into as much depth as Martin on this matter, I completely understand and agree that it is like this for some black women. There are blatantly ignorant people in the world who think that black hair can be played with because it is attached to a larger pawn, but I know there are other people who honestly just cannot keep their hands to themselves, sans ulterior motives. I personally do not like my hair touched because it takes me a while to get the curls in the shape I want, and then someone comes up and starts pulling the curls apart, causing them to frizz. I recognize that curls are pretty and unlike something people see residing on everyone's head, but it doesn't give you the right to touch them. We are not chia pets, or any pets for that matter. But touch our hair enough and we will resort to biting.

Issa Rae, star and creator of "The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl" adds to the conversation on CNN.com, explaining she does not mind when people touch her hair as much as she does when they ask questions that make her feel as though her hair is ugly. I am happy I have not received these types of questions, most people have been supportive of my choice to go natural. A young woman on CNN.com named Tia Mosley describes her story, saying she went natural at age 12 and has never looked back. Mosley explains that she does not mind people touching her hair, it is just when they touch it without asking that bothers her. I think I am closest to Mosley's outlook. If people ask to touch my hair, I do not mind as much. I still reserve the right to say no, and I have, but I just feel it is polite. I am not going to go up to someone I do not know and start stroking their hair because it looks interesting to me. They have petting zoos for that. Be genuine about your curiosity too, do not ask to touch my hair because you think it looks weird and you want to confirm your suspicions. Believe me, this has been a long time in the making so I can spot the ones with judgment in their voice.


These comments are not meant to be rude, more of an education. The knowledge is this: if you touch someone's hair without asking, it can be offensive. If after reading this, you still feel the urge to touch a black woman's hair...well, don't say you weren't warned when you get her right hook.Follow @AlexiaaBrooks

The Time Has Come

I recently bought Carol's Daughter Black Vanilla Leave In Conditioner, which I love by the way, and have been applying it to my hair often. The great thing about this leave in conditioner is it comes in a spray bottle as opposed to the thick cream that you get with the Curl Enhancing Smoothie. I can use it as a leave in and also a restyling aid, which is nice when I am feeling lazy. I find that if I use too much of it though, it can make my hair greasy. The past few days, I've gone back to just using the Curl Definer on my wet hair and using a t-shirt instead of a towel to dry it. I forgot how great this regimen is, it really makes my curls soft and defined. I can't say it enough, thank you Carol's Daughter for making my hair beautiful.  As of today, this is what my curls look like:

I took these pictures after I did the pineapple and the curls still held up quite well! After all of the products I've tried, I think I love the Curl Definer most. I find when I add it to my wet hair, I get the best results. 

So, onto a new decision. I've been going back and forth with this idea for the last couple of weeks: to straighten my hair, or not? I finally decided I will do it. I know it sounds silly, but I couldn't help thinking of who I may be letting down if I did straighten my hair, then I realized the whole point of this journey was to embrace MY roots, as they are mine and belong to no one else. One of the beautiful things about being biracial is I have the option of having beautiful, straight hair as well as gorgeous curls. Before, I didn't realize how important my curls were and how pretty I still was when wearing them. I feel as though I set out to accomplish what I wanted to do: love myself regardless of my hair style as well as embracing my hair when it's curly. I've decided not to straighten my hair as often as I was doing before because I have made great progress with the definition of my curls and I'd hate for it to go away entirely and have to start all over again. I've also realized that just because I am straightening my hair does not mean my journey ends here, I still have more to learn about who I am.  Honestly, let's face it, this blog was not dedicated to my hair alone. I'm very excited to see what my 140+ days of no heat has done to the healing process of my hair. Tonight, I'm going to use my TreSemme heat protector, but I plan on getting a heat protector from Carol's Daughter as soon as I get paid.  I'll post the pictures soon!Follow @AlexiaaBrooks

A Different Embrace

Today I embraced my roots in a different way. Instead of loving my curls, which I completely do, I went to see Kathryn Stockett's beautiful novel turned film, "The Help." I finished the novel on Friday evening with dried tears on my cheeks, thinking of the way life was for my aunts, grandmothers, and great grandmothers not more than fifty years ago. I had been waiting to see the film until after I finished the novel, something I try very hard to do every time there is a film adaptation made of a book I'm interested in. Reading the novel clearly painted the importance of color during the sixties, but seeing it on the big screen was almost overwhelming. I have seen other films in class, and during my free time about civil rights, but they are usually told through the perspective of the African American men of that time. While I praise the men and their courage, seeing the tenacity these women had during such a crucial period struck a note within me. Watching Viola Davis, who plays Aibileen, as she bravely spoke about the aspects of the color divide she likes least was breathtaking. Not only was the character of Aibileen speaking out against social inequality, she was telling her stories to a white woman who could have easily betrayed her. But Aibileen had faith that she was making a difference and she truly did.

Even though Aibileen appears to be a fictional character, her fearless demeanor echos that of African American women during this time. Aibileen is a representation of women in my own bloodline who have worked until their feet were bleeding to survive. They took the beatings of injustice all so I could sit here now, a 24 year old female with a white mother, college educated, and the world at my feet. Their sacrifices are what has made it possible for me to follow my heart, and love the man I do without noticing that I have dark skin and he has white skin. I am able to enter the same school or public restroom as my white friends without being beaten or killed, while fifty years ago they were not even allowed to touch the same library books as white people . "The Help" showed me how often I forget about the freedoms I have and take for granted. I held onto a small piece of Aibileen as I finished reading the novel on Friday, and another piece as I walked out of the theater this afternoon. It will serve as a constant reminder, whenever I am feeling less than brave, that these women did not put their lives at stake for me to sit around being afraid. I am who I am in this world because of the risks they took. I've embraced it.Follow @AlexiaaBrooks