So lately, I've been listening to rap, which may not seem like a big thing to many of you, but for me, it's pretty big.
Let me explain. I like rap when I'm running on the treadmill, lifting weights, or at a party, but I don't typically choose to listen to it when I'm feeling introspective. I will usually pull out Ingrid Michaelson or Coldplay.
I recently hung out with my cousin, who is black, on a trip to see his mom in Santa Cruz. He listens to rap and was playing the Drake album in the car. I have always been interested in Drake, mainly because I love Degrassi, but I know he is signed to Young Money and I'm not a huge fan of Lil Wayne. At least not when I'm outside of the gym.
Let me just say before I get into talking too much more about rap how nice it was to hang out with my cousin. I do not focus on seeing myself as a black or white female very often, which can sometimes make me forget how comforting it is to be around people who look the same as you do. The feeling of understanding that came from that trip with him was so refreshing. I felt like I could relax, which again, isn't to say I walk around feeling tense around white people, I just feel different around black people.
I'm reminded that I'm a black woman and how special and lucky I am because of it. I am constantly surrounded by white people- in school, at my job, in my personal life, which doesn't bother me in the least, I just find myself yearning for interactions with other black people. My language changes when I'm around my cousins, it's hard to explain. I just feel another part of my world opening up in a way that it can't with my white friends.
I can let my hair down and shake out my curls without worrying someone will want to touch them (ha ha).
While I think it's important to surround yourself with people who are different than you, whether physically, socially, sexually, spiritually, and any other way to expand your mind, I think it's equally as important to be around people are similar to you.
I was never conscious of it before, but I was afraid of being black, or at least acting too "black." I went to a predominately white high school where the black people hung out together in a pack. They were intimidating because they were so confident in who they were and the community. I felt like I was too "white-washed" to belong.
I've carried some of that insecurity over to my current life, but there is this unspeakable urge to surround myself with more people in the black community and I can honestly say it started when I let my hair go natural.
The first step was letting my curls come out and now that they have, I feel like I want to learn more about my roots and community.
Which brings me to rap. I am not going to listen to ignorant rap music like "just bought a Cadillac, throw some D's on that bitch" or anything of that sort. I'm a college educated woman and want to hear things that reflect intelligence and effort.
Drake. I watched his documentary two years ago "Better than Good Enough" on MTV and became really excited for his album "Thank Me Later." While I liked it, it failed to impress me the way I thought it would. So, I put him out of my mind.
Then he released "Take Care." I know I'm a little late in listening to it, as he released it last year, but better late than never, right?
That album takes me back to my childhood and reminds me that I am black. It is nice to have those reminders every now and again. I can't explain it with words, it's just a feeling I get, the same when I hear Al Green's "Love and Happiness." Instantly, memories flood my mind and I can smell the pink oil and feel my mother tugging on my curls to get the nap out.
Drake has this song, "Look What You've Done" that especially hits home. I think about my father, who has been in and out of my life since birth. One line "boo-hoo, sad story, Black American dad story" gets me every time. While being a poor father is not a "black" thing, there are definitely members of the black community who share in this struggle of connecting with their black fathers.
I'm lucky that I was able to find my connection with my step-dad, or just my dad as I like to call him.
While Drake's album is amazing, it still poses issues for me. First of all, the use of the "n" word. I've always been so weird about hearing people in the community use it, and while I may understand the reasoning behind it, I just think the word is thrown around too much and people have forgotten what it used to mean to our ancestors.
Maybe that's the point, to remove ourselves from it until we become so desensitized that it is just a word. Still, there is more exploration that needs to be done on my part in regards to this word and my feelings towards it because I do not feel that the word and its usage on my part would make me feel anymore a part of the community.
This journey is enlightening; I'm thankful everyday I had the courage to start it.
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